Always a Piece of Me.

Today, I am 8 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  Last day of being 21 years old.  Time goes by so slow when you're hurting; I just want change.

Chris and I just loaded up the truck full of Alice's things that were in storage.  I haven't been able to look in her boxes.  I opened one up the first time last weekend, and I couldn't even dig through to find the pregnancy book I was looking for.  Her clothes were on top and I just crumbled to my knees.  Haven't really felt better since and have been a crying mess, but I'm determined to sift through them in the upcoming weeks.  This new baby in my tummy is going to get a lot of his/her sisters things, including her crib, changing table, changing pad, stroller, car seat, etc.  The car seat kills me.  There's still baby sunblock smeared on the sides from the day we were out in the sun, saying goodbye to her father as he stepped on the bus to go to the airport, and then fly to Afghanistan.  She wore a white onesie with flowers and pink lining that day.

Her clothes and blankets I had a very hard time deciding what to do with.  I can't see any other baby wearing them.  I can't give them away.  I can't keep them in boxes.  I can't leave them out to see every day.  So I decided to keep her polkadot dress that Chris picked out as her coming home from the hospital outfit to pin up on the wall next to her ashes.  The rest of the clothes and blankets are going to be a piece of a quilt made for this baby (if it's a girl).  If it's a boy, the quilt will be mine until we have a daughter.  I have no idea how I will make this quilt and stay sane.  Cutting her clothes into pieces is going to kill me, but being able to snuggle in the quilt will be comforting and let me feel that she is close by.

I also need to set up the crib and changing table upstairs.  I know it's early and the risk of miscarriage is still in a higher percentage at this point, but I don't know what else to do.  I just want to see it up and set, as a sign of hope that we have a future as a family together.  I know Chris and I are family, but after having a baby, things change.  Him and I are a puzzle piece that fit together, but the baby is the glue.  There's nothing more amazing than having a child... especially with someone you love.  She looked so much like Chris, I loved seeing his face every day while he was gone.  And I loved seeing her face...

I had a strong feeling it was a boy at the beginning of this pregnancy, and now I feel as if it's a girl.  I don't trust my own instincts at this point.  Looks like we'll just have to wait until late April or early May to find out exactly what this little baby is.  I'm hoping that things will go smoothly with this pregnancy.  I need it to, for my own sanity.

First doctor's appointment is in two days.  I've been waiting for this.  Haven't been very happy since September... and I can't wait to get back on some medication.  I feel like an emotionless blob, succumbed to just stare out the window.  Thank goodness I have some projects going on for me to distract me.  A baby shower on March 16th for my best friend that a couple girls and myself have been orchestrating, Alice's baby clothes quilt, setting up the nursery...

This is how I like to imagine Alice.  Sleeping, peaceful, beautiful, and forever in my heart.

Today, I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  My baby is the size of a lentil bean.

I'm trying to be more excited, but it's hard to be.  On this Birth Board that I'm on, I hear so much about miscarriage.  It makes me nervous to even feel anything right now since it's so early on.  I feel guilty even being pregnant in the first place, because Alice is supposed to be here.  If she hadn't died, this baby wouldn't even exist.

These horrible thoughts won't stop invading my mind.  I can't be excited anymore.  I know once I hear the heartbeat at my first appointment (March 1st), and when I feel those first kicks, that I will start to get happier.  But as of now, I'm too scared and I feel too guilty to feel anything.  I was excited to see the positive on my pregnancy test, but now I don't know how to feel.

Alice would've turned 7 months old yesterday.  Time is going by fast without her here... it was just a month ago when she would've turned 6 months and I was watching the snow outside.  My memories of her are fading and becoming limited.  I hate this.

It looks like Chris is getting promoted to SGT in April, so that is good news.  He's debating on whether or not to reenlist or to go to college.  With a family getting started, it's a hard decision.  The fact that he's getting promoted soon makes the reenlistment look pretty appealing.  He also has the option to go to a year-long school in Missouri, but that also requires reenlistment.  We're not sure where we'll be living or what our life will be like at the end of this year.  Hopefully it'll consist of a new baby.

Oh, and I was wrong... the chinese gender chart predicts that it's a girl.  Apparently going by lunar age is more accurate.  Chris and I really want a girl... so we're hoping that it's right.  I have a strong feeling it's a boy, though...

Finally some good news...!

Yesterday was the first good day we've had in a  loooonnngg time.  Chris and I found out that I'm pregnant!  So exciting!  I didn't believe it at first.  I started laughing, crying, smiling, puking, and dancing and I couldn't stop....!

I wanted to tell Chris in person, but I couldn't hold my excitement, so I had to have him call me at work.  He was so happy.  Last night we went out to dinner and actually caught ourselves laughing, cracking a joke or two, and smiling a lot.  It all feels very foreign at this point.  Then when we got home, I could hardly keep my eyes open even though it was still fairly early in the evening.  We snuggled on the couch and watched our favorite tv show (24), and I fell asleep a few times.  Let the tiredness and morning sickness begin!

I feel really bad for feeling happier, but this is what we needed.  I'm being constantly reminded of symptoms I had last time I was pregnant with Alice, and while it makes me feel very sad, it also makes me feel very happy that we're having another baby.  This time in November 2010, I was still getting used to the fact that I wouldn't be "free" anymore (no partying, late nights, early mornings... basically forgetting about myself and raising a child).  I realized that I was going to feel sick, tired, huge, etc.  But I was happy.  It was a new realm for me and I wasn't used to it yet.  But now, I know exactly what's going to happen, how we're going to handle it, and how things are going to be.

By the way... Chris thinks it's a girl.  I am leaning more towards a boy.  Chinese prediction chart says boy ;).  But obviously that's not reliable... or is it???

January 30th, 2012

Due date is October 7th, 2012.  I am currently 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  Baby is the size of a poppy seed.  Wish us luck <3

Another day, another heartache.

I recently heard a quote the other day that has been stamped on my mind.  It tears me apart everytime I think about it.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

My heart is gone, and I will never get it back.  Right now, Alice would be sitting up, eating solid foods, squealing, laughing, and smiling.  My memory is trying to block her out to preserve myself and save me from self-destruction.  This is how I've always been with tragedies, but I need to keep these memories.  They're all I have of her.

Chris and I haven't been doing so great.  It seems to be getting harder rather than easier, but we're working through it.  Marriage counseling is in our near future, along with medication and (hopefully) an elimination of alcohol.  Or at least a reduction. 

The other day I sat down on the couch and just held her ashes in her warmest, favorite soft white blanket.  Her binky that she had the night she died, a little electronic stuffed animal pink piglet that Chris got her while he was away in training for the Army, and a candle that we lit at her memorial are all sitting there.  There are framed photographs of her that are propped up on the floor against the wall, facing the other direction.  We're planning to put them up....
Once we're mentally ready.  I can't even look at them without having a breakdown.  Her Alice in Wonderland book that Chris got her is sitting in the shelves next to her, along with her other blankets.  We're still in need of locating her going-home polka dot dress and her first teddy bear.  I'm afraid to open the boxes of her things.  I don't think I can handle it.

I'm still going to school, although I'm starting to lag behind.  A power outage set me back about a week.  Chris is going to training in a week or two (for two weeks).  I am really not sure how I'm going to handle him being gone, but it's what needs to be done.  I'll probably just study and drink.  The house is beginning to get to be a mess.  There are days when I work out, clean, study, cook, and then sleep, and then there are the days where I can't even get out of my pajamas, lay on the couch, and watch television.  The latter have been more commonly occurring.  We don't even have any clean dishes.  Which, I might add, I'm going to go try to tackle.  It's just hard to function when your mind is somewhere distant.

January, please end.

Recently, I had a family member tell me that I should keep track of my thoughts by writing them down in regards to my husband's and my deceased daughter.  It couldn't hurt; perhaps I'll be able to look back and hopefully see improvement in my mental and physical state.  Who knows... perhaps writing about our lives will serve as a good distraction.

Today is Chris's and my 3rd anniversary.  I can't believe it has been three years since we said our "I do's".  It feels like just yesterday when I accidentally put the ring on his right hand instead of his left (technically I didn't put it on there since it wouldn't fit, but I gave it a good 30 seconds trying).  We are nowhere near where we thought we'd be today.  Chris is in the military as a Combat Engineer, we had a daughter and lost her in what felt like the time it takes to take a breath, and I am a college student aspiring to become a police officer.  Life has definitely had its ups and downs since 3 years ago.  The best moment was the 10 days that Chris, Alice and I shared together after she was born and before he deployed to Afghanistan.  She was born July 14th, 2011 and died September 7th, 2011.  No where near enough time (I don't think any amount of time is enough) but will always be cherished.

The last picture taken of Alice Ann on September 6th, 2011.

I miss my darling.  And to just think, she'd be in my arms right now if she was still here.  What a beautiful little girl.  Rest in Peace, my love.