Friday, April 20, 2012

April 2012

I decided to write today since it's National SIDS Awareness Day.  It's actually pretty hard to come on here and write how I'm feeling.  If I'm in an alright mood, writing only makes me sad, yet relieved.  I guess good always comes with the bad...

I am going to try to make this update more optimistic than my previous ones.  Most of my thoughts are stuck on thinking about Alice, Chris's and my future, and this pregnancy.

Today, at 15 weeks and 5 days, our baby is the size of an apple.

It's really a significant difference from the last time I posted a picture of the size.  I'm surprised to say that I've actually been feeling kicks here and there.  I would've been completely skeptical before since the baby is so small, but there is no doubt about it... these were definitely kicks.  They only happen once or twice every few days, and I am so excited to start feeling them more consistently.  I haven't felt them for a week, however, so I'm concerned.... but it's a concern of every pregnant woman in her late first trimester or early second trimester.  My nose bleeds are still consistent (pregnancy symptom due to increased blood flow), and I have a doctor's appointment early Monday morning to ease some of my concern.  I can't wait to hear this little one's heartbeat again <3. 

Chris has been in training since the 12th.  11 days of training, which isn't too terrible.  The day he left, I actually packed up the car and the dog, and headed down to Coos Bay, Oregon to spend the weekend with my mom.  My stepdad was also gone at a poker tournament so it was one long girls weekend, which I completely enjoyed :).  I had a lot more fun than I had anticipated, although I felt pretty much floored from being tired and sick.  We went garage saling and ended up being the inheritants of a BUNCH of yarn, fabric, and knitting & crocheting needles.  I swear I sound like a grandma, but I had a ton of fun.  I even started working on a blanket... blue and white.  Must be my feeling of the gender of our baby ;).  I ended up coming back home to Washington on the 16th.  Long, boring, and depressing drive by yourself.  But I treated myself to a Rockstar and some fun music.  Sadly, Chris won't be able to come to this appointment on Monday.  He won't be back home until late Monday night.

And, I am sad/happy to announce that we find out the gender of this baby on MAY 29th, 2012!!!  Sad because I'll be 21.5 weeks along.  We were willing to pay out-of-pocket to find out earlier at 16 weeks (just in a few days)... but no one will take us since we never had a viability ultrasound.  Very disappointing but the wait will make the gender determination more accurate.  I could swear it's a boy, and Chris says it is absolutely a girl.  We'll see... we have our names picked out but they will remain private until we know the gender. 

That's about all that is going on in my life.  Just getting more and more excited to meet this baby.  I miss Alice every moment of every day.  Trying to figure out where our lives will be headed at the end of this year, next year, and every year after that.  Perhaps I should just take a breath and live life in the current moment. 

Since today is National SIDS Awareness Day, I wanted to put up a picture of Alice.  I just want everyone to remember all the babies lost to SIDS.  I've talked to a lot of other mothers of this, and it has really helped me in my recovery process.  She was a beautiful girl and this can happen to anyone.  I miss my baby...