Always a Piece of Me.

Today, I am 8 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  Last day of being 21 years old.  Time goes by so slow when you're hurting; I just want change.

Chris and I just loaded up the truck full of Alice's things that were in storage.  I haven't been able to look in her boxes.  I opened one up the first time last weekend, and I couldn't even dig through to find the pregnancy book I was looking for.  Her clothes were on top and I just crumbled to my knees.  Haven't really felt better since and have been a crying mess, but I'm determined to sift through them in the upcoming weeks.  This new baby in my tummy is going to get a lot of his/her sisters things, including her crib, changing table, changing pad, stroller, car seat, etc.  The car seat kills me.  There's still baby sunblock smeared on the sides from the day we were out in the sun, saying goodbye to her father as he stepped on the bus to go to the airport, and then fly to Afghanistan.  She wore a white onesie with flowers and pink lining that day.

Her clothes and blankets I had a very hard time deciding what to do with.  I can't see any other baby wearing them.  I can't give them away.  I can't keep them in boxes.  I can't leave them out to see every day.  So I decided to keep her polkadot dress that Chris picked out as her coming home from the hospital outfit to pin up on the wall next to her ashes.  The rest of the clothes and blankets are going to be a piece of a quilt made for this baby (if it's a girl).  If it's a boy, the quilt will be mine until we have a daughter.  I have no idea how I will make this quilt and stay sane.  Cutting her clothes into pieces is going to kill me, but being able to snuggle in the quilt will be comforting and let me feel that she is close by.

I also need to set up the crib and changing table upstairs.  I know it's early and the risk of miscarriage is still in a higher percentage at this point, but I don't know what else to do.  I just want to see it up and set, as a sign of hope that we have a future as a family together.  I know Chris and I are family, but after having a baby, things change.  Him and I are a puzzle piece that fit together, but the baby is the glue.  There's nothing more amazing than having a child... especially with someone you love.  She looked so much like Chris, I loved seeing his face every day while he was gone.  And I loved seeing her face...

I had a strong feeling it was a boy at the beginning of this pregnancy, and now I feel as if it's a girl.  I don't trust my own instincts at this point.  Looks like we'll just have to wait until late April or early May to find out exactly what this little baby is.  I'm hoping that things will go smoothly with this pregnancy.  I need it to, for my own sanity.

First doctor's appointment is in two days.  I've been waiting for this.  Haven't been very happy since September... and I can't wait to get back on some medication.  I feel like an emotionless blob, succumbed to just stare out the window.  Thank goodness I have some projects going on for me to distract me.  A baby shower on March 16th for my best friend that a couple girls and myself have been orchestrating, Alice's baby clothes quilt, setting up the nursery...

This is how I like to imagine Alice.  Sleeping, peaceful, beautiful, and forever in my heart.

Today, I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  My baby is the size of a lentil bean.

I'm trying to be more excited, but it's hard to be.  On this Birth Board that I'm on, I hear so much about miscarriage.  It makes me nervous to even feel anything right now since it's so early on.  I feel guilty even being pregnant in the first place, because Alice is supposed to be here.  If she hadn't died, this baby wouldn't even exist.

These horrible thoughts won't stop invading my mind.  I can't be excited anymore.  I know once I hear the heartbeat at my first appointment (March 1st), and when I feel those first kicks, that I will start to get happier.  But as of now, I'm too scared and I feel too guilty to feel anything.  I was excited to see the positive on my pregnancy test, but now I don't know how to feel.

Alice would've turned 7 months old yesterday.  Time is going by fast without her here... it was just a month ago when she would've turned 6 months and I was watching the snow outside.  My memories of her are fading and becoming limited.  I hate this.

It looks like Chris is getting promoted to SGT in April, so that is good news.  He's debating on whether or not to reenlist or to go to college.  With a family getting started, it's a hard decision.  The fact that he's getting promoted soon makes the reenlistment look pretty appealing.  He also has the option to go to a year-long school in Missouri, but that also requires reenlistment.  We're not sure where we'll be living or what our life will be like at the end of this year.  Hopefully it'll consist of a new baby.

Oh, and I was wrong... the chinese gender chart predicts that it's a girl.  Apparently going by lunar age is more accurate.  Chris and I really want a girl... so we're hoping that it's right.  I have a strong feeling it's a boy, though...