Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Today, I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  My baby is the size of a lentil bean.

I'm trying to be more excited, but it's hard to be.  On this Birth Board that I'm on, I hear so much about miscarriage.  It makes me nervous to even feel anything right now since it's so early on.  I feel guilty even being pregnant in the first place, because Alice is supposed to be here.  If she hadn't died, this baby wouldn't even exist.

These horrible thoughts won't stop invading my mind.  I can't be excited anymore.  I know once I hear the heartbeat at my first appointment (March 1st), and when I feel those first kicks, that I will start to get happier.  But as of now, I'm too scared and I feel too guilty to feel anything.  I was excited to see the positive on my pregnancy test, but now I don't know how to feel.

Alice would've turned 7 months old yesterday.  Time is going by fast without her here... it was just a month ago when she would've turned 6 months and I was watching the snow outside.  My memories of her are fading and becoming limited.  I hate this.

It looks like Chris is getting promoted to SGT in April, so that is good news.  He's debating on whether or not to reenlist or to go to college.  With a family getting started, it's a hard decision.  The fact that he's getting promoted soon makes the reenlistment look pretty appealing.  He also has the option to go to a year-long school in Missouri, but that also requires reenlistment.  We're not sure where we'll be living or what our life will be like at the end of this year.  Hopefully it'll consist of a new baby.

Oh, and I was wrong... the chinese gender chart predicts that it's a girl.  Apparently going by lunar age is more accurate.  Chris and I really want a girl... so we're hoping that it's right.  I have a strong feeling it's a boy, though...

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