Saturday, March 10, 2012

Back into the Shadows

After losing Alice, you'd think that the people closest to you would stick around and help you throughout tough times.  You would think that having an idea of the type of pain you're going through, or even knowing that pain, that you would stick by your side no matter what.  I do have people who have been here for Chris and I from the beginning, and have helped tremendously.  There are multiple people who have been here.  But for others, I can't say the same, and it hurts pretty bad.

Losing a child is the worst thing I could imagine a person having to go through.  I'd rather be tortured, killed, disfigured, broke, homeless... anything but lose a child.  Knowing that, how in the world could people just break friendships and family ties over trivial things unrelated during a time of healing?  This isn't singling out a single person that I know.  This sadly applies to multiple people, and I can't help but wonder what is going through their heads.  They knew that I needed them.  Literally, I needed their support.  All of them had a very big impact on my life and healing process, yet they just get up and leave.  Some things for ridiculous little things, some for bigger things, but none justifiable while we're in so much pain.  I don't understand, and it hurts.  It's sad to have to realize that not all of your best friends and family will be there for you during the times that you needed most.  These people that I refer to would've been on the TOP of my list for going to in such harsh times. 

Why do people do this?  Is it a lack of respect?  Is it them not being able to empathize?  Is it them pushing away because they don't want to see or be a part of this disastrous mess?  I know people get sad when they see Chris and I.  Who wouldn't?  This is a horrible tragedy and it happens.  It's like someone with cancer walking through a room.  You see them, and wish the best but at the same time you're also deepened with sadness.  People stare at us and feel the same.  I feel like a spectacle sometimes.  I can understand why people wouldn't want to be a part of this, but completely tying off our relationship with something small and unrelated... that hurts.  I already lost my daughter.  Why make me lose friends and family, as well?

There is one good thing that comes out of this mess.  The people who have stuck by throughout it all will be there throughout anything else.  I doubt (and hope) that nothing this bad ever happens to Chri sand I again.  Those people will be here.  It also reminds me of previous struggles I've had, and reminds me that those people hid in the shadows at those times, too.  Is it worth the struggle?  Is it worth me apologizing over something that I wasn't at fault for?  I am so thankful for my family and friends that have stuck by me.  But for those who pushed me away, I will forever be hurt and I cannot forgive this time.

Enough of me hurting over this.  It shouldn't be causing me more pain.

Chris and I received news of Alice's official autopsy results a couple of days ago.  The cause of death was SIDS while cosleeping with a parent.  That extra addition hurts every time I hear it run through my head.  What if cosleeping had nothing to do with it?  SIDS is not preventable, so why would they include a fact of cosleeping?   That is almost an oxymoron.  The results leave a little bit of closure.  Her death is no longer an "ongoing investigation."  But I don't understand the results.  It's probably so simple and I'm over-thinking it, but what if I'm not?  Is it implicative?


  1. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it and parents have be "co-sleeping" with their infants as long as there have been parents.
    Now is the time to celebrate the new life growing inside you... while never forgetting the joy Alice brought into your lives even for that short amount of time.

  2. It seems that they might include the co sleeping thing for research purposes, like if they want to prove or disprove in the future that co sleeping is a factor in SIDs deaths. I slept with my babies and know many people that have. I know it doesnt change anything or make you feel better.

  3. There is no way anyone could ever understand your pain and the guilt you subject yourself to daily over this tragedy. Buy those who know you well (and even those of us who only know you a little) can tell that you were a wonderful caring mother who has had her heart ripped from her chest by this. It wasn't your fault. Period. Someday you will be able to forgive yourself and those who weren't strong enough to stand by you.

  4. I would like to clarify that the only thing u need to forgive yourself for ever is for ever thinking it was your doing. Hugs and strength"!!

  5. :( to the co-sleeping part, that just seems like a slap on the face after what you've been through. I'm sure it is just for research purposes, but how hurtful. The worst part about SIDS is that you did everything right, your baby was happy and healthy. You are a fantastic mommy and you gave your baby the best life. You can't help but be proud for that.

  6. i know what u mean, there were family members i spoke to everyday & ever since my daughter passed away its as if we all died =( so sad