I feel sick to my stomach that I'm even attempting to write this right now. It's almost been 6 months since Alice died, and it's still hard to muster up the strength to remember what happened on the morning of September 7th. Some may wonder why I'm so open. In fact, a lot of people I know disagree with it. But, I'm the type who doesn't care what others think, I want to write down thoughts, and I want people to know what happened.
Alice generally woke me up around 7am to 9am, depending on the day. That morning, I believe I woke up around 10am or so, with no instigation from her, and I immediately knew that something was wrong. I turned my head over quickly to look at her, and started saying her name. I knew there was no possible way anything could've happened, and that she was still sleeping, but I wanted to be sure. I said her name again. Not a single movement from her and I couldn't see her face. She was lying in my arms, and I gave a quick nudge to her. Still nothing, not even a slight leg movement, a sigh, or a stretch. That's when I knew that my world was over. I sat up and her swaddle was over her head, but not tightly. I pulled it down, and the blood had pooled to the side of her face she was sleeping on when she passed away. She was half white and half purple. I couldn't cry, I couldn't breathe. I just kept saying her name, rubbing her chest, and stroking her face. I knew she was dead. That thing that happens to 2 in 1000 babies happened to my daughter.
I got up and stood there for a moment, got my phone and ran to get it plugged in. It had died through the night. Things started running through my head and what I did to her and how I killed her. Chris had called early that morning... maybe if my phone was charged, it would've rang, and I could've prevented her death? Maybe if I would've swaddled her more tightly, she would've lived? Was she really dead? The phone finally turned on, and I immediately called my mom. I couldn't manage to say anything other than "Alice is dead." She told me to call 911 and that she was on her way home from work. Nothing was real.
I called 911 and they had me go get Alice, unbotton her onesie, and perform CPR. I knew she was gone. They said the fact that I could feel the air going through her chest and out of her nose was a good sign, but nothing was a good sign. How could it be? She was gone. She was cold and lifeless. It seemed like I was giving her CPR forever, hanging in time, knowing she was gone but still having that flicker of hope in the back of my head that something miraculous could happen, like what you read about in books. But in my heart I knew.
The ambulance came. All I could do was pace around the living room... I'm not even sure what they did. My whole body was being sucked to the floor by gravity, and I was empty. They brought her out to the ambulance. I grabbed my shoes, still in my pajamas, and ran out to the ambulance. My feet were bloody from running on rocks, but if there was a slight chance that they could save her, I didn't care about my feet. I just wanted to save every second we could and get her to the hospital.
The drive there was hard. I got angry at people for not getting out of the way in time. Seconds meant everything to me. I kept glancing back to see what they were doing to Alice, but I couldn't keep looking. I just put my shoes on, cried, and hitting the dashboard in front of me.
When we got there, they took her into the closest room they had available. No makeup on, pajamas, shoes untied, morning hair, and crying like the world had come to an end (my world did, in any case), everyone there in the ER looked at me like I was crazy. I paced, I threw up, and I slid down to the ground to wait. It felt like seconds later when the doctor came out. He didn't even have to look at me. I already knew. I just kept telling him no. NO. I told him that it wasn't true. I told him to do more, to do his fucking job... to get in there and make my daughter breathe again. They had to take me away into a separate room, in the dark, so I could sit in a corner. My best friend came, along with my mom. We just held each other. They told me I could go see her. I didn't know what to do or say... I couldn't even move.
Somehow, I don't remember how, I got into the room. She was laying on the table, naked, with a white blanket covering most of her. I immediately ran to the sink and started vomiting and shaking. They asked me if I wanted to hold her. I was only able to hold her for about a minute. I kissed her cold forehead and cheeks, stroked her hair... but I couldn't do it for very long. I just wanted to vomit all of the pain out of my body. My mom held her for awhile after that while I continued to puke and heave into the sink. Then they took her away. That was the last time I saw my daughter until I received her bones in the form of ashes a week later.
What happened next? The police came to my house, searched through our room, took pictures. I had to lay down on my bed and hold a teddy bear with how I found Alice that morning. They looked for anything strange, like blood or abuse. Then they left. What do you do after that? I tried to eat, but I couldn't. All I could do was stare and cry. The days following that were pretty simple. All I did was ask myself a few specific questions. At that point, I KNEW that Chris was going to hate me forever for killing our daughter. Why didn't she cry when she couldn't breathe? Why didn't she struggle? And then the real questions came. How am I going to kill myself? Should it be a bullet to the head, a hanging, an overdose on pills? I knew that my life was over. I just had to decide how to do it.
Chris came home. Things were hard. We picked up our daughter together at the mortuary, and wrapped her in her blanket. We slept with her every night. We cried and we drank until we couldn't remember anything anymore. We started to slowly heal, and the thought of suicide went away with the thought of a new child coming into our lives. My life was ruined in less than 24 hours, and it's finally slowly starting to rebuild. I will never be happier than the moment I got to hold my daughter for the first time. She was a piece of my heart that I will never be able to get back. I'll miss her always. My beautiful baby girl... Alice Ann. I love you, baby.