Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Another day, another heartache.

I recently heard a quote the other day that has been stamped on my mind.  It tears me apart everytime I think about it.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

My heart is gone, and I will never get it back.  Right now, Alice would be sitting up, eating solid foods, squealing, laughing, and smiling.  My memory is trying to block her out to preserve myself and save me from self-destruction.  This is how I've always been with tragedies, but I need to keep these memories.  They're all I have of her.

Chris and I haven't been doing so great.  It seems to be getting harder rather than easier, but we're working through it.  Marriage counseling is in our near future, along with medication and (hopefully) an elimination of alcohol.  Or at least a reduction. 

The other day I sat down on the couch and just held her ashes in her warmest, favorite soft white blanket.  Her binky that she had the night she died, a little electronic stuffed animal pink piglet that Chris got her while he was away in training for the Army, and a candle that we lit at her memorial are all sitting there.  There are framed photographs of her that are propped up on the floor against the wall, facing the other direction.  We're planning to put them up....
Once we're mentally ready.  I can't even look at them without having a breakdown.  Her Alice in Wonderland book that Chris got her is sitting in the shelves next to her, along with her other blankets.  We're still in need of locating her going-home polka dot dress and her first teddy bear.  I'm afraid to open the boxes of her things.  I don't think I can handle it.

I'm still going to school, although I'm starting to lag behind.  A power outage set me back about a week.  Chris is going to training in a week or two (for two weeks).  I am really not sure how I'm going to handle him being gone, but it's what needs to be done.  I'll probably just study and drink.  The house is beginning to get to be a mess.  There are days when I work out, clean, study, cook, and then sleep, and then there are the days where I can't even get out of my pajamas, lay on the couch, and watch television.  The latter have been more commonly occurring.  We don't even have any clean dishes.  Which, I might add, I'm going to go try to tackle.  It's just hard to function when your mind is somewhere distant.

1 comment:

  1. It sounds like things are falling into place just as they should be. Just don't put yourself down for not being able to be on top of everything right now. You are coping very well. Love, mother-in-law, Joan.